A new study, conducted by researchers from the Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, has found that outdoor cats kill as many as 3.7 billion birds and 20.7 billion small mammals in the United States every year. Yes, billions of birds, squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits and other cute animals are being killed by these whiskered terrorists among us and the Obama Administration is doing nothing about it. Congress has not proposed any laws to deal with the cat terrorism crisis (CTC), but is considering dozens of measures to deal with illegal immigrants from Mexico and other countries, most of whom, it should be pointed out, have not eaten a single squirrel in their lives.

The NRA, meanwhile, is insisting that the government should arm all rabbits, but what else would you expect from the National Rabbit Association? They want to protect their own kind. But the NRA has plenty of opposition from CPR (Chipmunks for Peaceful Resolutions) and DOA (Ducks Opposed to Aggression).

What’s truly scary about CTC is that it’s not just wild cats that are going on killing sprees, it’s also domestic cats – those sharp-toothed monsters that many people keep as pets, only to be shocked one day to find animal remains in their backyards, while the cat purrs innocently from under the bed with an expression on its face that says: “The dog did it!”

To help everyone get a better understanding of CTC, I contacted Dr. Juan Morales of North Georgia University, who arranged for me to conduct an interview with a domestic tabby named Monty. I used an incredible but still widely unrecognized animal communication device developed by Morales with a generous grant from the Feline Association of North Georgia (FANG).

Me: “Hi Monty.”

Monty: “I did not do it! The dog did it!”

Me: “Did what?”

Monty: “Killed Mrs. Anderson’s parakeet. Isn’t that what you’re interrogating me for?”

Me: “Well, not exactly. I want to know about all the little animals that are being killed: birds, squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits, mice and so on. Billions of them.”

Monty: “You can’t blame it all on cats. Did you know that rabbits don't look both ways when they cross a road? Squirrels are suicidal – they walk on electric cables. And birds are morons – they fly into glass windows.”

Me: “Are you saying that you haven't done much killing?”

The first debate between President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney was so exciting that after 15 minutes, Nielsen TV ratings determined that almost 39 percent of the audience at home was still
awake. That's a record for presidential debates, beating the previous record of 36 percent set at the memorable 1992 Clinton-Bush-Perot debate.

Obama and Romney faced off at University of Denver, with Jim Lehrer of PBS serving in the dual role of debate moderator and punching bag. In case you missed the debate -- or fell asleep in the middle of it -- here is a condensed transcript.

Lehrer: "Gentlemen, welcome to you both. Let's start with the economy and jobs. How would you go about creating new jobs? Mr. President, you go first."

Obama: "Thank you, Jim. There are a lot of points I want to make tonight, but the most important one is that 20 years ago, I became the luckiest man on earth because Michelle Obama agreed to marry me and so, I just want to wish you, sweetie, a happy anniversary."

Romney: "The president has his facts wrong again. Michelle Obama did not agree to marry him – Michelle Robinson did. And I was already the luckiest man on earth. Ann and I were married 43 years ago – before the president even knew how to spell 'anniversary.'"

Lehrer: "I said 'jobs' gentlemen – what would you do to create jobs?"

INDIA ENJOYS MOST SUCCESSFUL OLYMPIC GAMES EVER

India is basking in the glory of its most successful Olympics campaign ever, with four of its athletes going home with bronze medals, two with silver medals, and one with Usain Bolt's autograph.

India's Sports Minister Ajay Maken congratulated the Olympic team on their "super success" at the London Olympics. "At a single Olympics, you have won more medals than at the previous three Olympics combined," he said. "Thanks to you, we have gone from winning 20 Olympic medals in our history to 26, which means that India, in terms of world ranking, is now well-ahead of Michael Phelps."

His reference to Phelps was a deliberate response to critics who had compared the American swimmer's all-time record haul of 22 medals to that of India, whose athletes in previous decades would win a single medal at each Olympics with such regularity, many Indians believed there was a quota system in play. "It was never a question of whether we would win one medal," said sports historian Abdul Ibrahim. "It was always a question of who would win that medal."

Indian sports fans had brushed aside the comparison to Phelps, saying it didn't bother them at all, but soon after wrestler Sushil Kumar won a silver medal, the 26th in the country's history, thousands of ecstatic fans poured into the streets of New Delhi, some of them waving signs that said "Sorry, Michael Phelps – you'll never catch India!" and "India leaves Michael Phelps in the dust."

Kumar also won a bronze medal at the Beijing Olympics, making him the first Indian to win multiple medals in an individual event. Indian athletes recorded several other firsts in London:  Saina Nehwal became the first Indian to win a medal in badminton, Mary Kom became the first Indian woman to win a medal in boxing, and tennis players Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi became the first Indians to run victory laps after each other's loss.

"Even those who did not win medals gave it their best effort and made us proud," Maken said. "Two of our athletes reached the final in discus throw, two of our boxers came within one victory of winning a medal, and our field hockey team … well, they were on time for all six matches."

I was at the dentist's office the other day and came across an issue of People magazine. On the cover was a picture of singer Beyoncé Knowles, along with the headline "World's Most Beautiful Woman!"

I was surprised, shocked, stunned, stupefied -- and many other 'S' words. Beyoncé, the most beautiful woman in the world? Don't get me wrong. Beyoncé is indeed a beautiful woman, but I thought that everyone agreed that Aishwarya Rai is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Indeed, when an Indian men's magazine recently asked its website's visitors "Is Aishwarya Rai the most beautiful woman in the world?" only one percent clicked on the response "No, she isn't." Everyone else -- a whopping 99 percent -- chose the response: "Yes, she is. Continue to free pics of Beyoncé."

Despite such overwhelming evidence, People magazine decided to name Beyoncé the world's most beautiful woman. I had no choice but to call the editor of People and get to the bottom of this.

Dear Indian-American Kids:

I know you're busy with your school work and other important stuff, but there's something important I'd like to say to you: Please stop winning the National Spelling Bee!

Yes, you heard me right. Back away from the unabridged dictionary, tear up the list of 10-syllable words your mom printed out for you, delete the soundtrack of "Akeelah and the Bee" from your iPod.

We know you're good at spelling. You've already proven it. You've won five consecutive National Spelling Bees –- and 10 of the last 14. If the Los Angeles Lakers merged with the Miami Heat, they wouldn't win as many titles as you. You're so dominant that the Las Vegas oddsmakers have made you 2-1 favorites to win the next Spelling Bee, better odds than they've set for Aishwarya Rai to get a tummy tuck.

We know you're dedicated and disciplined. You've already proven it. While other kids have been going to basketball camp or soccer camp in the summer, you've been going to spelling camp. While other kids are horsing around in the showers before dinner, embarrassing each other with not-so-polite comparisons, you've been making comparisons that would do your parents proud: "My word is bigger than your word."

We know you're eager to please your parents. You've already proven it. You didn't complain when your mom handed you that list of 10-syllable words or your dad shook his head vigorously and said, "Only 10 syllables? You need to start giving her 12-syllable words –- she's in kindergarten now."

Yes, you've already proven enough, so why not give some other kids a chance to win the National Spelling Bee? The other kids have also studied thousands of words, but when they reach the final round of the spelling bee and see you looking so confident –- as though you've been on ESPN hundreds of times –- they lose their cool. They say to themselves, "Oh no, those kids are Indian-Americans. They must have been to spelling camp!"

It's like facing Rafael Nadal in the final of the French Open. Sure, you might win a few games, but then you look across the net and see the six-time champion pumping his fist and think to yourself, "Well, at least I got this far."

That's what happened to Gifton Wright, the boy from Kingston, Jamaica, who finished fourth this year. We knew there would be a big celebration in Jamaica if he won, but his valiant effort fell short, giving us the same newspaper headline in India as last year: "Ho-hum. Another Indian-American wins the Spelling Bee."

Even worse than that, we had to hear the same old joke again. Several people tweeted it, thinking they were being original: "Snigdha Nandipati won the National Spelling Bee by spelling her own name! LOL! Someone put me on Comedy Central."

But that's not why I want you to stop winning the National Spelling Bee. I want you to stop because you're putting too much pressure on all the Indian-American kids who don't want to spend half their weekends studying words and the other half being tested on them. Take my 10-year-old daughter, Lekha, for example. She's a good student who loves to read books and play the piano, but isn't that interested in spelling. Every year, when the National Spelling Bee is being televised -- the only time my wife ever asks if we have ESPN on our cable –- Lekha has to endure comments such as, "If they can do it, so can you," "Look how proud her parents look" and "It's my mistake –- I should have started spelling words to you when you were in my womb."

So here's my request again: Please stop winning the National Spelling Bee! I know it won't be easy, but with a little effort, I'm sure you can do it.

See you at Geography Camp!

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Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist, author of the humorous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge." A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com Write to him at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

I recently stopped at the liquor store to buy a bottle of wine. The cashier put it in a brown paper bag and, as I took it from her, I noticed there were some words on the bag. I thought it was a message such as "Don't Drink and Drive" or "Drink Responsibly." But when I got to my car, I took a closer look and here's what it said: "Follow us on Twitter."

Of all the messages they could have put on the bag, this one seemed as unlikely to me as "Keep us in your prayers" or "Recommend us to your addictions counsellor."

As odd as it seemed, I went ahead and did it. I followed the liquor store. I didn't tell my wife, of course. I didn't want her to think, "Oh no, my husband is a liquor store follower." Soon word would get out, probably through a Facebook status update, and I'd be getting a visit from the minister at my church.

Minister: "Melvin, is there something you'd like to talk about?"

Me: "Uh ... not really. Why?"

Minister: "Well, I heard that you're following the liquor store."

Me: "Yes, but only on Twitter. Nowhere else."

Minister: "I see. So you haven't friended the liquor store on Facebook?"

Me: "No, we aren't friends yet, though I am quite friendly with some of the liquor store's products."

Minister: "I see. Were you in church last Sunday?"

Me: "Yes, I was there."

Minister: "Well, you may remember that I talked about whom everyone should be following. Did I say anything about the liquor store?"

Me: "(gulp) ... nope."

Minister: "So who are you going to unfollow as soon as I leave?"

Me: "@LiquorStore."

Minister: "And who are you going to follow?"

Me: "@TweetingMinister."

Minister: "Good. My work is done!"

While I was wary of getting a visit from the minister, I was also curious about what type of tweets the liquor store would send.

Liquor Store: "Just kicked out a drunk guy. Tried to buy a bottle of Jack Daniels with his library card."

Liquor Store: "I told him he couldn't buy anything with a library card. He asked if he could borrow the bottle instead."

Liquor Store: "A lending liquor store. Someone get the investors lined up. We'll make billions on the IPO."

The main purpose of the Liquor Store's Twitter account, of course, is to keep followers informed about all the special deals –- and to answer any questions we have. This could be quite handy, I realized.

Liquor Store: "Kingfisher beer from India on sale today. Only $8.99 for a six-pack. Hurry in."

Me: "Great! By the way, can you tell me if the Chinese restaurant across the street from you is open right now?"

Liquor Store: "No, I'm busy. Lots of Indian customers."

Me: "Is Sanjay Patel there? He's a friend of mine."

Liquor Store: "How should I know if he's here?"

Me: "Well, you could make an announcement."

Liquor Store: "And what if he's here ... you want me to say 'hi' for you?"

Me: "No, ask him to look out the window and see if the Chinese restaurant is open."

Liquor Store: "Oh, please. Why don't you just call them yourself?"

Me: "It's easier to tweet you."

Liquor Store: "Ok, ok. Just this once I'll look out the window and see if they're open."

Me: "Thank you. Can you also find out how much the moo goo gai pan costs?"

You've got to feel bad for the Republican Party. They've had a number of primaries and caucuses, almost two dozen debates and countless other campaign events, but still haven't found a presidential candidate who can sing as well as Barack Obama.

Mitt Romney has tried, treating supporters to his rendition of "America the Beautiful." And much to his credit, when he was done singing, a large portion of the audience applauded, and the rest were quickly revived.

His supporters were quick to focus on the positives of his voice.